overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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