if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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