I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
