I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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