I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
