bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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