Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
