There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
babies were throwing up all over the place
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
FUCK WHALES
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
