Since when is my name a synonym for head?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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