I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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