you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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