im about as happy as oj after his trial
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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