she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
