Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
