So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
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I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
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The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
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