And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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