And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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