Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
