Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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