Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
