I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
jump out the window naked night went bad
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
