i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
