I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no you cant smoke seaweed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
