You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
