when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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