Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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