when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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