Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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