She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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