The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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