Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You've changed since you got that strap on
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
we're so committed to being not committed
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