I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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