Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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