I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
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