if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
