well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
