wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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