it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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