What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
