I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
