Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
