do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Welp...herpes.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
