and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
