I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I want to be your penis for a week.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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