tonight lets celebrate not being married
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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