Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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