I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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