My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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