Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
