Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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