You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
