he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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