I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
