the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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