Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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