So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
