Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
